Looks like i'm here again tonight.
i have so many things in my head right now.
i feel so messed up about what i wanna do.
Suddenly Chef Adrian's words started replaying in my head again.
The words "you are not fit to be a chef" keeps getting stuck.
And also the words "You have no self-motivation."
They keep getting to me.
Looking back, i really think i have no self-motivation.
i don't know how to motivate myself to get through all of this.
Thats the main reason why i'm the way i am right now.
i keep thinking i can fall back onto some cushion.
But the problem is i don't have that cushion anymore.
i used to be in TP, my backing THEN would be Shatec.
i'm in Shatec NOW.
i don't have any other choices of backing because i do not intend to join any other schools.
i lost my chance in poly.
i was given a second choice here in Shatec.
What am i doing?
i got past Term 1 with a breeze because i was hyped.
Term 2, what was i doing?
i was slacking and taking everything lightly.
i got myself into the school team.
i didn't PRACTICE for it.
None at all.
i went there, blindly and boldly, and bombed something stupid.
Sure, i got myself into the team.
i was happy i did.
But if you thought about it, i wouldn't be IN it if Tricia hadn't used pork bacon.
i take things i have for granted.
Thats what i always do.
i know.
i don't know how to motivate myself to do better.
i don't know what am i doing to myself again.
Next term, i have FHA to take park it, and Recipe/Production to complete.
i have to retake my practical for this term and i can't make anymore errors like i did this term.
All i ever thought was "oh this is gonna be easy for me."
i keep taking every single thing lightly.
i don't like it.
i need to get the thinking that i can play out of my head.
Because in reality i can't.
i already lagged behind that moment i chose to fail my retake papers in poly.
i already lagged behind the moment i chose to give up on my poly education.
i don't have anytime left for me to play with anymore.
i'm not that free.
But i just can't seem to drill that into my head.
i need to do it now.
Because thats all i can ever do.
i guess its time to change the way i am.
Before things get out of hand.